worried sick.

As I mentioned in my last post, I'm eighteen.
This is supposed to be the time where I go crazy and grab a load of experience to stick under my belt until I need it in years to come, even if it is just to pad out my biography. I'm supposed to be spending more than I have; I should know the names of every possible alcholic substance out there; I should be driving a beat-up, old banger; I should be losing weight from dancing all night and smoking to suppress my appetite - after all, I'd only be saving money to get myself wasted every week.
But of course, this isn't me. I don't even think I'd want it to be me. It all sounds pretty disgusting but it sounds a lot more glamourous than the life I'm leading right now - jobless, penniless, still getting up at the crack of dawn just to sit around watching absolutely nothing on TV, reading (somewhat amazing) books and having hour-long conversations with my Dog.
Truth be told, I'm worrying like crazy. Part of me is terrified about the events after the 20th of August, because it's going to go super fast and before I know it I'll either be making my way back through those school gates to repeat the whole of the last two years, or moving out of house and home and into someone else's territory, where money matters and education no longer means a place for socialising and getting to know the people who'll build you into the person you'll be for life. On the plus side, I get to reinvent myself into a person far more interesting and charismatic than I ever was before. Although it could also mean I end up spending my three years in university getting attached to people who actually couldn't give a damn about me or will happily cut me out of their lives the second we are no longer forced to see each other. (Yes, I'm talking about a friend who I've known since I joined that stupid school as a fat, friendless, fucked up twelve year old and was naive enough to think that six, maybe seven years of that friendship meant something, and I wasn't going to be cut out of her life at the drop of a hat. If only I could tell her what I really thought about her other half.)
And there's the "what if I never make friends with anyone?"
And the "what if i hate the course?"
"What if I enjoy it, but I'm crap at it?"
"What if the tutors actually hate me?"
"What if I never get a job and can't ever go out and actually meet people?"
"What if I miss people too badly and end up being put in a room with padded walls because I don't have the ability to grow up and fly the nest and depend on myself?"

Oh yeah, this year's going to be a great one.
This is the toned down version too.

x.